Wednesday, 19 January 2011


Growing up I was one of four children, and now I am one of six. 

In a single parent family - my older brother thought he somehow had to step up to the mark of "man of the house" - basically, he liked to be in charge. My older sister was also quite bossy, and she favoured my younger sister - probably because she was younger and cuter. And I played by myself. 

I shared a room for 17 years of my life, initially with my older sister, then for a short while, with my older sister and younger sister - and then just my little sister. My little sister really does fit the cliché of the "youngest who always gets their own way".  So for near enough the whole time we 'shared' a room - she had the control. control of which TV programmes to watch, who to invite to stay, decorations. And what I hated the most is that originally we had divided the room near enough equally, but slowly throughout the years I was gradually shoved into the corner, with minimal furniture and space. The Girl In The Corner. 

One childhood memory that always sticks in my mind is when my big sister taught my little sister to ride her bike without stabilizers but refused to teach me - so there I was riding along with stabilizers still aiding me on my bike, whilst my younger sister was freely riding all by herself. 

My Mum always used to say growing up that when we grow up and move out we will get closer to each other - But I could never see me and my siblings being close - ever. However - much to my disbelief and astonishment she was right. Although we had always had that underlying family love - The "I can beat up and bully my brother/sister, but if you lay a hand on him/her there will be trouble" kind of love, I never really got on with them. But now as my older brother and sister have moved out and my younger sister and I don't share a bedroom I actually find myself having conversations with them and laughing and joking like were friends. 


My mum always wanted four children, and my dad said he did too. However after giving her four children - he changed his mind, and inevitably did the thing that ends most marriages.

"Que sera sera - Whatever will be will be, the futures not ours to see..."

Every cloud has a silver lining, and for each door that closes two open. 

After the divorce my Father moved to Hungary for work - coming back every other weekend to see us. One time when he came back he brought a woman with him. My now step mum. Although my brother and two sisters opted down the cliché root of "evil step mum" I actually get on quite well with her. The only problem that itches the back of my mind is the question: "Is she the woman my dad had an affair with?" but thinking about it, in all honesty - I'd rather not know. An amazing silver lining on the huge black cloud of divorce is that my step-mum gave me a beautiful baby sister and a gorgeous baby brother who I adore. Meaning my Dad now has a total of six children. 

My Mum took longer to meet her match. She was with one man for quite a while, us kids all liked him because he was like a human climbing frame. But the man she is now with, and is engaged to - we love! - No, he does not let us use him as a climbing frame - but that'd be weird seeing as were older now. It seems like they have been together - but seeing as I am only 17 it is practically most of my life. He is a father figure to us all and he brought with him two more silver lining on the cloud of divorce- a step brother and sister, from his previous marriage. His daughter is the same age as me and we get on really well. his son is the same age as my brother (21) and they were best friends in primary school - thus my Mum and Step-dad met. 

Divorce of course is hard at first - for all involved. But as time passes the looming cloud of divorce will shine bright with all of the silver linings that come your way.

Saturday, 1 January 2011

Being 15

Everyone has that year or time of their lives when they are especially rebellious, usually
in their teens. Mine was when I was 15.

My step-dad always goes on about how teenagers think they know it all, how teenagers think they’re invincible, and how teenagers don’t know anything about the real world. My step-dad says this from experience, but what I have learnt is that people only learn from their own mistakes.

Unfortunately when you’re 15, you don’t listen.  Unfortunately you have to make your own mistakes before you learn and wish you had listened. Unfortunately you do think you know it all and you don’t know anything about the real world. Unfortunately when it does hit you, it hits you hard. Unfortunately my step dad was right and I never listened.

I had always been ‘the good girl’ and ‘the quite one’ but that all changed when I was about 14 ½. I started hanging around with some friends from school, outside of school. I went to an all girls school so when there were boys there I thought it was cool and exciting, because it was new. We would meet daily at a local park and just hang out. All of the girls were 14/15 but the boys were 17/18. I thought nothing of it, but my mum warned “boys that age are only after one thing” – I didn’t believe her. I was young and naïve and inevitably easily led.

I soon became smitten with one of the boys in the group, and that was where my downfall began. We became a couple two months before my birthday. When I was 15, he was 18, technically an adult whilst I was a minor – I thought nothing of it though. I felt so mature, being in a relationship with an older guy, but I wasn’t I was just a kid.

Whenever my mum expressed her concerns I just got annoyed thinking everyone was against me. They just cared, I know that now. I began seeing him every day, I began to barely see my friends and family. My world became him and us and our ‘love’ was all that mattered.

It is true what they say that love is blind because when I was with him, when I was in love with him; I thought he was the image of perfection, how wrong was I!?! When that love had gone and it was over, I saw clearly for the first time in a very long time. I saw how possessive and controlling he had been; I noticed all his snide remarks and saw all his wrongs. I saw for the first time how stupid I was, I saw why my mum was concerned.

I am now 17 and mature enough to realise my mistakes and my stupidity. When I look back at being 15, I look back in regret. I regret not listening to my mums concerns and my step-dads wisdom. I regret neglecting my schoolwork and not achieving my best. I regret the friends I lost and the way I treated them. Most of all I regret the way I let him treat me, and how stupid I was.

The problem that I now face is that my younger sister is now 15. I feel like I am watching a more stubborn and resentful version of myself making the same mistakes that I did. She is completely smitten on a guy that she has been with for about a month. She is seeing him every single day and neglecting her friends, and especially her best friend – Something I did myself and something which I deeply regret. He is now her world and all that matters to her. I don’t want her to get hurt and I hate seeing the way she ignores everything that me and my mum say to her but I know from experience, that it is experience that will teach her the lessons that she will refuse to learn from us, her family.

Life is a lesson, and experience is the teacher.